all these feelings

i took laurel to the park the other day and something happened. something that broke my heart. there was another little girl there, probably about 5 or 6 years old and she did not want laurel to play with her. I understand the whole 'I don't want the little kid following me around' but seeing it happen to my daughter.... it broke my heart.

the little girl's mom kept telling her to be nice and include her because she doesn't like it when other people leave her out. and I think she listened to a degree, but then she got a few other kids to run away from laurel. honestly, laurel had no idea what was going on. she thought she was playing with them by chasing them. but I knew what was going on, and I didn't know what to do.
my heart literally broke.
laurel is the kind of girl that loves everyone. everyone is her friend. she has no stranger danger, and is literally the sweetest girl on the planet. so seeing this happen made me scared for when she gets older. scared for when that innocence of childhood playing isn't there anymore and she knows that she isn't wanted. i know what that feels like, and I want to protect her from that. or at least teach her as best as i can that people can be mean, but just because they are mean doesn't mean she isn't good enough or that she is not wanted.
because she will always be wanted.
i remember before I had laurel that people would tell me becoming a mom changes everything. that you never want your child to get hurt and want to protect them. and i remember thing well obviously. but I listened to these things people would say, and thought I already knew what it would be like. because obviously i knew everything before I became a mom. hahaha.... false.
waching it happen and feeling these these feelings that I don't even know how to explain. it hurt my soul. the mama bear in me wanted to swoop down and protect her. to hold her close and tell her that I loved her.
all these things were going on in my head but i stood there and just watched as my little girl wasn't wanted. in that moment, that was literally the only thing I could do. and it sucked.
when I got home i told rhett all about it. he kept saying that he knew what i was feeling but it was okay. then I stopped him and said 'no you have no idea what if feels like' (probably kind of sassy of me haha) i told him how i thought i knew what people were going though when they talked about things like this happening, and honestly i wasn't even close to thinking I knew how it felt. you truly don't know how it feels till you witness it. standing there helplessly with nothing to do, but feel this aching in your heart.
i know, i know this might seem like a dumb post, because she is only 2 and literally had no idea what was going on. which i am grateful for. but I feel like it gave me a glimpse of the future, when she knows what's going on, and comes home to me in tears, because the kids ran away from her. i wish more than anything that she wouldn't have to go through that, but kids are mean. so i want to make sure that she knows that no matter what other people might say to her or how they treat her that she is loved. that is will always be wanted at home. and she does matter to so many people. that she especially matters to her father in heaven, who already knew all these feelings im experiencing for the first time. and who will know how she is feeling in these moments of hurt.
i want to teach her that even if people are mean, and might leave her out that she can still be kind. that no matter the person she can include them and still be friends with everyone. i hope more than anything that she just gets older, and never loses her loving personality. because when she shares that with others she makes a difference to them.
she makes a difference to me.
if only I could protect her from all the meanness in the world, but i can't. so i hope i can at least help her be the good in the world.
being a mom is so much harder than I ever thought it would be. there are so many feeling I never thought I would feel. but for every bad feeling i have to go though, there are ten good feelings to go with it. im so grateful that i get to be a mother, especially to my two little girlfriends. i know it's only going to get harder, but i also know that it is only going to get better too.

xo - stephanie

ps : thanks for staying with me for all the rambling. happy weekend!

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